I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
Honestly, I am sitting in my room watching Ciara videos and thinking I am super jealous of how she rides it.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
