On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
i don't know how boys match. i think shoes & belt are the only thing. it doesn't matter. i just know if they look stupid.
While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
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