video games are the ultimate cock blocker
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
I need a light and a towel. ive got cum in places ive never had cum before.
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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