So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
Someone came into our hotel room and took our remote
What should I do?
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
I'm storing dick pics, so basically if I'm still single after residency...ur gonna get bombarded. It's gonna be a blizzard of dicks.
Feel free to keep your blizzard of dicks to yourself.
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
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