i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
Thanks for talking me down from peeing on his window last night.
I am now curious as to how you would have aimed.
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
I made him fuck me while wearing a Thor helmat from Walmart. Geek sex is the best sex
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
Randomize
