Pants 0. Shit 1.
The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
But never have I ever had sex with a dirty talker before, so it was something else, to say the least. I signed up to get laid, not play Penthouse Mad Libs.
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
I touched a dick in church today
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
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