Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
See I am maturing. I just got in from my DRIVE of shame......
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
Randomize
