My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
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