the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
He passed out mid-signature
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
