Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
Her best guy friend really had a thing for her all along.... Now we're back together and he's gone Dawson's Creek with his away messages.
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
So Bodhi just sent me a pic of someone's balls with a message that says "I hope you all have a ballin' night." I don't even know what level of friendship to call this anymore.
Oh my god.
The ballsiest level.
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
Randomize
