The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
well you can't waste a boner
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
Out of control sex drive for a girl? I just masturbated in the bathroom at my in-laws house before dinner....
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
I touched a dick in church today
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
Randomize
