probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
Randomize
