Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
my shit smells like andre
Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
Randomize
