oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."
Today as a vday present for myself I am walking in between any couples I see on campus.
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
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