I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
My hanfda are one with the u niverse and I am cirretnly inhaling a couch
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
I made a side by side comparison of her Facebook pic and the chick on the anti meth billboards. Plus a ven diagram showing mostly shared physical attributes. I sent u the PowerPoint. You were sufficiently warned.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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