"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
He had some BAD nuttage
Nuttage?
It's like cleavage......... but different
walk of shame with early morning football tailgaters. niice.
i dont care that its taken 20 hrs to pee without hurting, BEST HATE SEX EVER.
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
Randomize
