If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
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