Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize