I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
CHAZ BONO WILL BE ON THE NEXT SEASON OF DANCING WITH THE STARS.
Internet Is back!
MY NEWS TRUMPS YOURS.
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
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