I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
Randomize
