rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
koolaid chicken. i marinated it for 2 hours and roasted it on a rock in a fire. it was bright blue and raw. but that shit was tasty
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
Paris has not been good for her. Everytime she has a one night stand from a different country, she buys a mini flag and tapes it to her wall with the others
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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