Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
Family trip though. I generally don't wheel too much ass with the fam in tow. Despite the fact my parents would be pleased if I did.
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
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