I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
According to the bell hop, we stumbled in about 4 and then cannon balled into the pool.
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
Randomize
