I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
You told her the u were going to wrap your dick around her neck and start her like a lawn mower. thats why she left.
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize
