Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
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