she had condoms in her med. cabinet - magnums -I don't think I'm tall enough for this ride
part of me always dies a little when i go to the "2 women seeking 1 man" section in craigslist's casual encounters to find nothing there. it's tragic
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
We had to coat check the pizza.
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
Randomize
