I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
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