holy crap !! There is a MIDGET FAMILY in one of my rooms today !
How much trouble would you get into if you were to stomp down the hallway while loudly saying 'Fe Fi Fo Fum...'
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
If he's the sort of guy that will fuck in a public restroom, he's the sort of guy that will cheat on his gf. I'm goin for it.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
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