My boss' voice literally gives me gas
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
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