Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
My recently uploaded pictures to facebook: Me partying on Beale St. with a single girl on each arm. Ex's recently upload pictures: Several pictures of cats. I win.
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Randomize
