Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
office poll is still running 100% that Spencer Pratt is more disturbing than David Carradine's death
They wont let us in. Theyve some sort of no Daft Punk costume rule
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
Once again there IS no outside bathroom. Never has been, that is the balcony
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
Randomize
