If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
Just made a memo in my blackberry that contains seth's funeral arrangements. I have a feeling he has big plans for the weekend.
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
While he was going down town Julie brown, I was eating French fries. True Love
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
Randomize
