the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
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