she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
we are driving next to a guy driving and masturbating while looking at a naked magazine. I love LA
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
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