You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
Definitely contact high. Thirty miles an hour listening too i can see clearly now wanting too eat the steering wheel
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
i have two papers due tomorrow. contemplating if i should take adderall in my anus for full effects
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
How is there a hawk inside this house? More importantly how the hell is he handling it without any gear?
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