Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
Also, even though this really sucks now, we will look back on this one day and laugh at the time we all got arrested on Thanksgiving
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
Unless you want to see me masturbate, I think skype is a no go for now.
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