Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
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