Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
