I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
we just ha sex. he lasted two minutes. i told him to leave because i had class
isnt today saturday?
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
this weekend destroyed me...my brain feels like the curly fry at the bottom of the bag. GAhhh come save me
that's ecstasy for ya. now I'm kinda in the mood for jack in the box.
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
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