I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
trsut me youll find me, im the only kanye west here and every1 is chanting dbag at me
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
Bank of America: Available balance is $546.25 on 03/04/2011 for account 8428. Go online for details. TextSTOPtoStop/TextHELPforHelp
i loe djcudia fjxos rue.
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
Randomize
