Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
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