I was so high i believed someone when they told me le moyne beat syracuse
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
wouldnt it be awesome if walks of shame were like charity walks...you could get sponsors and shit and donate money to curing STDs or cancer
He made sure to throw up on the Mexico side of the border while we were in line at the check point. Then finished by screaming you an have it back. You can have it all back.
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
Randomize
