Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
If I was Danny Tanner and my wife died and left me with three kids I would hire a nanny rather than bringing in the sexually promiscuos uncle with a fetish for leather and rebellion and my obviously mentally ill (possibly gay) best friend Joey, who has never had a girlfriend and consistently talks in cartoon voices... a nanny is just a better choice
we've progressed from teabagging to lighting eachothers asses on fire. this cannot be a good path.
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
I came so hard my ears popped.
Randomize
