I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
I don't think my prof knows we've noticed her No Bra Fridays.
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
she's sitting in the bathroom of SA telling people to come in for a toilet ride
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
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