Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
so my mom told me to suck on something if I have to cough. so I guess blow jobs are ok
i woke up convinced that my room was backwards i tried to go into the closet to get outta my room
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
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