sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
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