Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
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