she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
I need a guy who can see in me what the lesbian community sees in me
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
So he has moved up to a stage 5 clinger...Surprised he didn't try to lure you into bed with tacos, like he did last time
Yeah... akward. I don't want a round 2
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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