just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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