I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
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