Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
there was a trapeze. enough said
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
must go to store soon wiping with panty liner ugh
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
Randomize
