Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
its totally unfair that im just as ill-prepared as a 16 year old but there's no tv show for 25 and pregnant.
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
Then James put his arms through the window and grabbed him, like he was Robocop. A nerdy, portly Robocop.
Who is this?
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
Randomize
