When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
Vibrating panties would be amazing during this conversation!
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
Randomize
