If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
got cock blocked by the cops again. two of the cops were the same ones from that t bell incident and they recognized me... they still dont like me
Randomize
