Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
He told me we were going to a cabin. It's just logs and a tarp made into walls. This night can go either way at this point.
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
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