can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
I think my vagina has grown over, not unlike earring holes when not used in a long amount of time.
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
Randomize
