I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
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