Your face is a jimmy john
i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
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