you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
it's like there's an entire ecosystem in your vagina.
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
wyd
Laying here debating on if i want a sandwich or an orgasm.
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
