please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
Someone shattered a urinal.
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
Randomize
