We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
Part of me really wants this picture, but the other part of me knows if he is really this drunk, he could be sodomizing a lamp and not know it
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
Randomize
