When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
Hey history final, how's it feel to be raped in the ass by my steel cock of ACADEMIC PERFECTION?
you are way too vulgar to be a girl
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
True strength comes from lack of pants
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
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