Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
See I just want a dick that I don`t have to deal with or talk to unless it is inside me. Is that so much to ask for?
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
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