i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
facebook friend requested him the morning after while he was still asleep in my bed, a whole new level of creeper even for me
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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