What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
Dude if it is possible to orgasm from shitting i think it just happened.
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
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